I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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