Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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