yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
