Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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