I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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