You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
