Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
