Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
