She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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