my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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