Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
