buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
