Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
