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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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