So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
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i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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