if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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