I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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