worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
