Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
