y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
