My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't want my vagina anymore.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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