That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
