You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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