he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
