a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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