remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
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