I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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