I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
