he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
