you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
