She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
