I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Randomize
