his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
