The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
