nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
