last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Someone shattered a urinal.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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