I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
