I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
