She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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