this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
