Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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