Apparently you make a good broom.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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