I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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