I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
