i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
