apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
