Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
