i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
