Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
