His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
