So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
