I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
