She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
