Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
