The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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